The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
