I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
