i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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