"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
