so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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