I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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