There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
