i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize