Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
