Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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