i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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