i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
