Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
