He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
