You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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