someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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