So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
