I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
