I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
