tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
