So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
