Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
