ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
