My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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