thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
