Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
