i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
