i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
