brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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