Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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