I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
