I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
