And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
