turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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