Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
