my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
