So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
