I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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