You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
