I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
