He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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