Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
