phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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