ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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