do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
