Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
