Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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