you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
