I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
