Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I understand Curling. That high.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I forget how to act sober
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